Day 365: I couldn’t resist doing one last post.
This past year has been a roller coaster. When I decided to blog, I had a fresh 2 month old baby all snuggled up in a sling, and now, I have a toddler who is on the verge of walking and hearts walks in her new radio flyer wagon she got for her birthday. (She did stand solo in snow a few days ago, so walking is bound to come soon…right?)
Over the past year lots of shit has happened and I had to make the decision to put this blog on the back burner to focus more on my family, and well really me and what I value the most. (You can read all about this decision here.) Turning 30 and becoming a momma, which happened all around the same time, was the focus of this blog, and I left kind of abruptly. I feel really great about the decision I made as my personal life has gotten so much better. But really, I couldn’t resist making this blog fully complete with a Day 365 post where I turn 31 today and reflect on this past year. So here it goes…reflections…learnings…randomness…things on my mind lately…etc.
1. Being a working momma is tough shit.
I knew it was going to be hard, but I had no idea the stresses it would place on my family unit. I had to come to grips with realizing that some things just aren’t worth it. (Though I’m still working on this.) Like freaking out about the fact that the dishes aren’t done after dinner….that can be put on hold b/c having an hour after dinner to hang out with my family is more important than said freak out. (Sometimes I have moments of serious desires to get my shit organized, which comes with anxieties and such, and that’s where the freaking out of dishes on a daily basis has come from.)
Also, my house, well it’s dusty. We can’t afford someone to come clean it (though at one point we thought we could) and well I’m just too damn tired and too damn busy to do it. So I deal with it, though it’s taken me a while to not badger myself about what a bad keeper of the house I am. As long as I can vacuum once a week I feel good. (Side note: Things do get cleaned, just not on a normal rotation. Like my first week of winter break I cleaned bathrooms, dusted, and vacuumed. And yes, the hubs thought pigs where flying somewhere.)
As far as the career thing goes, before having a baby, I put 110% into my job. I would volunteer to do stuff. I would take enormous amounts of work home. But now, well, that’s another place where things had to give. Not that I’m not a great teacher anymore, but I just don’t fret over the fact that grading might not get done in a timely manner. I don’t fret over the fact that I’m not in control of everything. I do fret, though, sometimes when my job causes me stress, so I’m always going to be on the hunt for a less stressful job situation. Does one even exisit? (Alternative Education is tough shit.)
I could go on and on about the whole working momma thing, but I think you get the picture.
2. The only permanent thing in life is change.
Don’t quote me on that. Seriously. I heard it from someone else, though I don’t know who, where, or when. It very could be one of the many philosophers I was forced to read in college. Or it could be going along with all that Buddhism stuff I read about. But man oh man, having a kid really brings this one home. (That sounds kind of trite…oh well.)
Take sleeping for example. My sleeping. Abby’s sleeping. It all changes all the time and my ability to sleep is usually dependent on Abby’s ability. We will go through a couple months of some good sleep where even Abby can be put in her crib sans rocking and sans already sleeping, lay down, and be out for 12 hours. But these past couple weeks she has been throwing fits when being put down, so we’ve had to go back to sleep training for the bazillionth time. At least I figured out that she understands the command to lay back down. (Thanks daycare for training my kid.) Because she responds well to this, we are just about back on track with her being able to go to sleep on her own.
What being a momma has taught me is that, though my life is in constant flux, my kid’s life is in constant flux times 10. I used to get all bent out of shape when she would go and change on me once I got used to new routines and such, but now I know to expect it. This has helped my stress levels to go down a bit. I’m not perfect. I still get stressed, but just not as much over silly mundane things like my kid doing what she is supposed to be doing. Growing up and stuff.
3. Someone is always sick in my household.
A big sarcastic thank you again to daycare for this one. The past two months have sucked so much. It all started with a stomach bug for Abby. Then RSV for Abby. (That was a fun first birthday present for her.) Then colds for me and the hubs. Then another cold with conjunctivitis for Abby. Oh and an ear infection to go along with it. A cold for me. Conjunctivitis and a cold round 2 for Abby. And of course round 2 for colds for me and the hubs.
I used to get so flustered about this one too, but now I realize at least we’ve been through a lot, still go through a lot, and we are armed to deal with whatever germies make it into our family via daycare. I mean if I can not flinch every time my kid pukes on me, like big grown up puke (if you are grossed out my this, then you shouldn’t be reading a mommy blog), I can handle just about anything now when it comes to sickness.
I just was never used to this much sickness in my life, but hey, there is a thing called the hygiene hypothesis that our doctor told us about, which supposedly will make Abby’s immune system stronger by the time she gets to kindergarten. (Hygiene Hypothesis goes something like if your kid is in daycare, around a dog, and lives on a farm, he/she will get sick more often now, but their immune system will be better in the long run. And well we have two out of the three…we are of course sans farm. ) We shall see if and when Abby’s earns the perfect attendance award in school or not to prove this hypothesis true.
4. Patience. Patience. Patience.
I wish I could say I had this one figured out, but step one is accepting you have a problem…right? I do feel I have grown with my ability to have patience…patience for my kid…patience for my marriage…patience for the people I work with…patience for me; however, I still need to work on this one. I have this thing with control. It’s all tied to my anxiety. And when I lose control, my anxiety increases, which in turn causes my patience levels to recede even further. It’s a vicious cycle really.
The latest thing that is testing my patience is this new medical thingy we are dealing with. You see, Abby has this bump like thing between her eyebrows. The hubs and I have noticed it for a while, but we thought it was just how her head was formed. Well, at Abby’s weight check at 13 months (she didn’t gain much for her 12 month visit RE: #3) the doctor noticed said bump and uttered the words “dermoid cyst” and “Seattle Children’s Hospital.” The only thing I could do was laugh. Seriously, I laughed. After all the sickness of the past couple months we have been dealing with, I could not even fathom we were about to take another journey to Seattle Children’s.
So this past Monday, we drove over an hour in rush hour traffic to meet with some specialists. Two doctors felt Abby’s bump and said that it did present to be a dermoid cyst. Our next step is to get a CT scan of her head, in which they have to knock Abby out so she will be still, to determine if the cyst is attached to her skull or not. If it is attached to the bone, which my reliable google internet research has led me to believe that this is less likely, a neurosurgeon will have to be brought on to the surgery team. (Dermoid cysts are congenital, and don’t go away on their own.) And me with my patience, well lack thereof, I was not psyched that we have to wait till January 24th to get the CT scan done. (Abby’s situation isn’t life threatening, but still, this is enough to give a momma heart attack…the waiting and patience testing that is.)
So, I have an ultimate test of my patience as a new momma right now. I guess I will get some more practice with this one during my 31st year on this planet.
5. Trying to find me under all this clutter in my brain.
I have lost myself during the past year, though I think I’m working hard, well as hard as my mental and physical energy will allow, to find my passion. And what I do know about this is that passion for me comes through writing, which is why I was drawn to this whole blog thing. I heart writing. (This is why I write.) So now I’ve checked out some books from the library on finding a literary agent and how to write the best pitch of my ideas to get someone’s attention and ultimately get published. It’s all pretty exciting, but also so very overwhelming and daunting at the same time, especially because I’ve asked some fellow bloggy mommas to be a part of this. But I’m committed. I need to have something for me, as I feel all the me time I used to have went missing. And when I stopped blogging in August, I mourned this small amount of me time I lost. But now, I have a plan to not lose myself under all this clutter in my brain. It will take a while to get going, but with the support of family and friends, I know I can keep on keeping on with this cultivation of me.
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I could probably go on and on about reflections…learnings…randomness…things on my mind lately…etc. But I think the above really sums up where I’ve been over the year and where I hope to go, and really what’s on my mind lately. And I hope for you this post satiated your appetite for a blog musing from metta…ahem Tracy (<—that’s my name after all). And of course, you can always find 140 character musings, rants, learnings, randomness, things on my mind lately over on twitter.
Post Script: You’d buy a book by me…right? I need to start building a platform and well, all my bloggy followers would be a good place to start after all.
Post Post Script: Here’s a couple pictures of me and my Abby…almost a year apart from each other. Man have both of us grown so much!
Welcome back to the Back to School Blog Style Series. If you weren’t here last week, click on the “Back to School” tab up top and read all about it, and you will also find links to last week’s topic, “Tips for Success.”
