Day 175: Dear Boobs…(a love/hate note)

Dear Boobs,

Sunday, June 20th, marks the last day I used your services for nourishment for my daughter. I have lots of feelings about this…lots of love and lots of hate. And because I generally like to be left with loving feelings, I’ve decided I will start off with the hate part of this and get that out of the way.

I hate the fact that you’ve toyed with my emotions for 7.5 months.

I know I wasn’t able to use your nourishment abilities right off the bat when Abigail was born b/c of her health scare, but I did religiously pump every 3 hours, even setting an alarm clock through the night when Abby was being fed via feeding tube. I tried my best! But you still failed to produce enough in those early days and we had to supplement.

Then once Abigail got the hang of nursing, you worked alright for about a month and then started to give up on me. Again, supplementing had to start. I even drank so much water that I felt like I was peeing when I was in my 3rd trimester, in hopes of boosting my supply. That worked for like a minute, and then back again you were to not producing enough.

I mean, I know when Abby started sleeping through the night you were still there, ready to go at 3am, but you can’t blame me for wanting sleep. So I understand why you relinquished your night time supply….perhaps this hate part of the letter is a hate for me.

I hate the fact that you didn’t cooperate when I returned to work. I mean I even started setting the alarm and pumping in the middle of the night during the weeks leading up to this return, which you graciously went along with…at first…then copped out. But oh no, once I got back, you were not down with all that pumping I had to do. I know pumping isn’t what you were designed for, but give a working momma a break. It’s the best I could do. I mean I’m sure my stress didn’t help the situation, but once I settled down, you continued to not cooperate.

Once I noticed that the few times I was able to nurse Abigail throughout the day was not enough and it was more of a comfort nursing since I had to supplement after she nom’d on you, I made the heart wrenching decision to give in to your whims and stop trying. What I think helped me deal a little bit better with this than I thought, was the fact that I had shed so many tears in the past during the beginning of your failings. I had enormous amounts of guilt already, feeling that I somehow had control over your workings and that I was failing Abigail. After a lot of these down times, I still miss nursing Abigail, but b/c I have been dealing with these emotions for 7.5 months now, I’m starting to be able to let go.

Funny thing, though. When I announced to the tweeting world that I had a sad b/c I had not nursed Abby at all on Monday, someone tweeted back saying something to the nature of, “Oh, Sorry! I didn’t know you were weaning.” My response, “I didn’t know I was weaning either.”

I still have one small frozen pouch of your goodness, and I can’t bring myself to give it to Abigail. Kind of wish I could add you to my box-o-memories, though I know that wouldn’t end well.

Ok, so now to shower you with some love.

I am amazed, still to this day, what you are capable of doing. It is incredible that you have the ability to coordinate with my body to start producing nourishment for my daughter once she was thrust from my loins. I really have no words to fully describe this, except to let you know that I did tear up when all my pumping efforts led to you to start producing milk, and then again when Abby latched on for the first time. It was just such an overwhelming feeling of joy.

It was also super cool that, even though your production went up and down over the past 7.5 months, you did help me to save a bunch of money on formula.

You totally helped me to quickly drop my baby weight, and then some. And I want to apologize right now to the fact that I’m thinking the weight is starting to creep back on. I will try to honor your efforts by getting back on the healthy train this summer.

And the way you grew in size…that was killer. You helped to prop my shirts out more to hide my post pregnancy gut, though I knew the gut was there before I became an incubator. Still, as I glance down and see my shirts become taut around my belly, which is now protruding even more though I’ve lost some extra weight, I miss your size.

And lastly, there are no words of thanks for all that bonding you allowed me to do with Abigail. With the rocky start we had to her life, I was distant, not knowing how to get close to my newborn as I fumbled to hold her with all sorts of cords attached. But once those were removed, we were able to work together in showing Abby the ways of comfort. The way she settled into nursing, made eye contact with me in those early months, and the way she played with the buttons on my shirts while she nestled in during the later months, that was killer. There were many occasions when I had just about lost my mind in trying to figure out how to help her to feel better, but once she latched on, it was like the world was a better place for her. I shed many happy tears during those moments, and even now, I’m tearing up thinking of this.

I truly wish I could come up with more words of love for you, but sometimes words cannot do feelings justice.

I want to leave you with a, “Hope to need your services again soon.” I hope that perhaps this was just a trial run and that if I’m lucky enough to be blessed with another little peanut, that all the lessons we’ve learned can be put to use. I will try my best to understand that you may have some trepidations and that there are just things I have no control over. I will try my best not to get so upset at you if these failings once again occur. All we can do is our best and have faith in that.

Sincerely,
Well…you know my name by now.

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