Day 201: I think I’m trying too hard
NOTE: Did you see that up top…day 201! That seems like a lot. 164 days to go.
I’ve written often that I moved away from family and friends. And well, being a momma, this can sometimes feel lonely. That is why I was looking forward to summer when I would be able to do activities with Abigail during the day that would allow me to meet other mommas. With this comes a crap load of expectations…you know where I have this plan of making momma friends…the in real life kind b/c I know I have bunches of interweb ones.
One place where I for sure that I could cultivate such relationships was at swim lessons. The first day I talked with one mom who seemed to be a pro at knowing all the workings of where to go and such as she has a 3 year old in addition to her babe. Has she talked to me since? Nope.
And while we are all there in the pool singing and splashing and being silly and such, do any other momma’s talk to me? Nope. I mean our kids smile at each other and squee in delight with one another, so you would think that I could have a conversation with an adult.
I try. I smile. I say hi to the other babes. I encourage Abigail to interact with them. What do I get in return…just smiles and nods.
Then the other day I decided to take Abigail to story time. I was 10 minutes late, but was just in time for the ending when we put the babies on the floor to play. I befriended one momma and her babe. We exchanged names. I so wanted to shout, “Here’s my number. Let’s set up a play date.” But then I thought I don’t know this woman. We can’t go rushing in to things like this. I can totally picture it…where I go to her house and see relics all over the place that are just not me and realize I have nothing in common with this woman and am now stuck there. But I wanted so bad to have a local friend. GAH!
And then there was the time last week when I saw that our new neighbor, two houses down, has a baby about the age of Abigail. I wanted to run out of the house with Abby and meet them. That would have been totally weird and random, right?
This got me thinking about the fact that I think I’m trying too hard, and really that my expectations might be too high.
Friendships should be genuine. Friendships should not be forced.
So now, as the summer is halfway over, I think what I need to do is bite the bullet and plan things with my in real life momma friends…even if they live an hour away. I mean Abigail is a great car napper so that long ride should be ok…unless by me writing this I’ve totally jinxed myself…it’s been known to happen.
Do you try too hard? How do you meet new momma’s and make it all genuine like? Do you think I’m trying too hard?
15 Comments to “Day 201: I think I’m trying too hard”
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Twitter: jessesco
21 July 2010 at 7:43 am #
I don’t like the awkwardness of small talk at that stuff. I just can’t do it. The playdates we have had are the result of going to birthday parties for kids in Ava’s class and chatting with the parents there. At the end of the day, it’s about the kids playing and if you get lucky enough to like the parents, awesome.
Most of my mama friends I was lucky enough to meet at work and now they are my best friends. In Dallas though, I didn’t have any mama friends. It wasn’t until I started working that I met some.
I don’t think it would be bad for you to want to meet up with the mamas every now and again. There are usually organized playdates through churches and even just going to the mall play center is a good idea. Have you thought of going onto a forum like the Bump?
I’m a recovering Bump-aholic actually! I’m applying for new jobs and I’m hoping that this will open me up to some mommas as the school I work at now is small and the few other woman who work there have older children. But I like your outlook on thinking more about the kids first.
The “good” news is, I think we ALL go through this. Should I talk to her? Should I give her my number? What if she doesn’t like me? What if I don’t like her?! It’s like dating all over again.
I wish I could say that I practice what I preach & go balls-out & ask for numbers & give mine out, but I usually keep to myself when it comes to making new mommy friends. I’ll do polite talk, but when it comes down to forming a friendship, I just can’t seem to make the first move.
It’s totally like dating! I thought I was done with that.
I met my best friend at storytime at the library. And we’re only friends because SHE bit the bullet and invited us to her kid’s birthday party. Then I taught her to knit and we met the rest of our small group of friends at a knitting group. Finally having good adult friends is awesome.
It is hard to make friends. I even jumped into a friendship with this psycho lady, and I had to stop answering the phone because she was so strange and her kid hit cats!
My advice? Find a knitting group.
There may even be a mommy & kids group that meets during the day, or when Abby is a little older, you can go out to an evening group by yourself once a week while Daddy stays home with her.
oh, mothereffer. i hate when i do a smiley face and it actually comes up as a smiley face.
Oh knitting…I think I have a half made scarf. I wish you were my neighbor!
I bet you anything that half the mom’s you talk to are thinking the same as you… “should I talk to her? No I’ll freak her out”. And the other half don’t want to make friends. The best thing to do is be bold. Start small talk, how old? any other children? blah blah blah… if they keep up with the convo ask them if they would be interested in having a playdate. Then offer YOUR cell # or email (I have contact cards with me always). That way, if they’re interested they’ll offer theirs or contact you… and if they’re not, you won’t hear from them. You may get rejected… but you may also make a friend. All the best!
That’s a great idea about the card.
I’m with Yahee – I bet most of them are thinking the same thing. Go ahead, go out on a limb and offer a playdate! you could always do it at a neutral place if you’re worried about sketchiness. If I’m anxious about these things, I have someone call me about 30 minutes into it – if things are good, I just ignore the call. If they are sketchy, I can feign an emergency and bail. Perhaps paranoid on my part…but to date, I’ve never needed to bail!
Great ideas!
Twitter: harmskills
22 July 2010 at 5:31 pm #
a few things: if you see that nice mommy at the storytime, ask her if she would like to go to coffee or a walk or something. I would save the house thing for when you know her better. But be aggresive. She will probably appreciate it too!
totally invite your neighbor to hang out. Whats the worst she can say? Again, if your kids are the same age, she will welcome it.
And bugger off to the moms at swim class. I have been doing classes with C since he was 6 months old and have met some great friends at them. We are always nice to new people and invite them and include them. maybe you just got an unlucky group
Twitter: harmskills
22 July 2010 at 5:32 pm #
oh and meetup.com you might find a mom meet up or playgroup. that is how I found my neighborhood group of friends!
I been having this same issue… and I TEACH Mommy & Me yoga! You’d think it would be easier! I found the best way to strike up conversations was to ask questions (‘where did you get that cute onesie?’ ‘do you have a sitter you love?’ ‘is there a good park around here?’) Even if you know the answers, getting people talking about stuff they know makes them feel comfortable and thus easier to get to know.
good luck!!
I just thought of another way to meet people, keep in touch… it sounds weird, but this is how I’ve made a few friends lately. Take pix of their kids (with your kid, natch) then offer to email them the photo. Voila! Instant way to get their info and give you a good excuse to start a conversation. (I’ve been the mom who’s been one getting the emails, so I can tell you it’s not weird – I love getting cute photos of my girl!)