Day 207: Screw You Anxiety
So over the past couple of weeks, I’ve noticed an increase in my anxiety level. And on three of those occasions, I was on the verge of full blown anxiety attacks. The third time this happened, I was feeling claustrophobic and needed some air. Fortunately for me, my mom is in town so it was easy for me to step outside and breath in some fresh air.
This sitting outside was when I started to think about the fact that it’s been happening more often lately…the panic that is.
This is surprising. All through my pregnancy, my OB continued to check in with me to make sure that I wasn’t having any panic b/c of my history. And I didn’t. I managed to make it through the baking of Abigail sans anxiety attack.
I started to panic, though, when I was thrust into motherhood. I mean it went beyond all those fears I had when Abigail was born and we had some health scares with her. This anxiety goes well beyond this.
At one point, I even thought that these things were leading to PPD or PPA. I went to see my OB, filled out a questionnaire, and it was determined that I did not have the above mentioned things, but rather my anxieties about being a good mom were taking over my life…
…is Abigail gaining enough weight…why won’t my boobs work enough…starting daycare…ending breast feeding…being a working mom…feeling overwhelmed at times…watching the hubs play with her while I watch…wishing she would just sit still…oh all this effing guilt…does every mom feel this way…my house is a mess…there is new dust living on old dust…
His suggestions to me where to take some deep breaths, know that I’m not the only one who goes through this, and perhaps pop a unisom at night.
I calmed down for a bit. Went back to work. Had more freak outs (working momma related). Calmed down. School’s out for summer. Panic returns.
It happens when I feel caged in. It happens when I feel like I’m losing control. It happens when my mind starts racing a mile a minute. It happens.
I went so many years after 9/11 and post traumatic stress disorder without panic. I thought I had this shit under control. But now I’m worried that I’m starting down this no good very bad path again.
My anxiety ebbs and flows. It never stays around for too long. I just wish it would stop. For good.
……………………………
All that stuff up there…yeah…I wrote it last night. And this morning, guess what made another appearance? Another effing panic attack. This time Abigail wouldn’t go down for a nap. My blog sidebar imploded (Thanks to Twenty70Hosting and Japster for fixing my unintentional screw ups and emailing me letting me know it was not all lost.) I looked around and saw all the dog hair getting all snug in my carpet. Claustrophobia kicked in. Cell phones started ringing LOUDLY. (The fam is in town…I’m not that special to have more than one cell phone.) I started to feel the pressure of unspoken questions of, “What’s next on the agenda.”
I had to leave. I handed Abigail over to my mom, walked outside, called the hubs, and returned 15 minutes later feeling better. That conversation I had on the phone talked me down. I was able to gain some clarity and some perspective to start to work through the roots of this anxiety, b/c I sure as hell know panic is rooted deep in my soul and never seems to be caused by all those surface things. You know.
I’m still processing this all and plan on writing more about it at a later date. But for now, I’m going to bed feeling good. My house is still a mess and I’m trying not to be anxious about that. If only the dust fairies could come out at night and fix this issue for me.
Post Script: SCREW YOU ANXIETY!
8 Comments to “Day 207: Screw You Anxiety”
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Oh honey.
Anxiety is the devil. Worst feeling EVER. Like your insides are going to come outside. Like everything is building up to the point that if you don’t just hurl something breakable at a wall you are going to explode and DEAR GOD LET ME OUT OF THIS ROOM WHEN DID IT GET SO SMALL.
Hang in there, mama!
Nail on head. I’m sorry that you know exactly how this feels too.
You poor thing. Anxiety BLOWS. & that’s just how it happens – like, one tiny thing snowballs & snowballs & snowballs until you are begging for mercy.
You did the right thing & I’m thankful you grabbed a piece of clarity.
I’m trying my best to see it when it starts. B/c once it really gets rolling, I feel like I can’t gain control back. I am starting to feel better…until next time of course
Anxiety is tough. I can tell you until I am blue to just not worry or to just relax, but that is way easier said that done.
You are a hard working mom and a great one at that. Don’t cut yourself short and – as a fellow friend of mine reminds me often – give yourself credit for the things you do well.
The only thing that has realistically worked for me is singing or hanging out with my siblings. I hope you can find something too!
I think my thing is going outside and breathing in fresh air. I’m hoping I get a handle on this sooner than later b/c the nice days around the PNW are numbered.
((hugs)) If it’s not one thing it’s another huh? I’m so sorry. It kinda seems like you can’t even catch your breath and just relax since going back to work.
<3 I'm here to chat if you need me.
That’s exactly how I feel. One thing after another.